senate warming: hot air overload

“Gore’s Log, Stardate 9021. Daily, the Enterprise is under threat of complete annihilation. Perhaps we are no match for such an enemy. Last week’s warming trend witnessed the demise of our best and brightest, weather veins. She sits dormant now, lingering, preparing to strike again. When she comes, it’s as if she were pulling us ever closer to her vile bosom; like some kind of…. natural…. pulling… force – Nay! But we know. We know her tricks. Like some celestial deceiver, she lies in wait as we foolishly let our guard down. Snow and sleet this week? Ha-ha! We know that’s just a sign of warming trends too. Yes, we’ve seen her tricks before….”

On Wednesday, the self-proclaimed High-Grand, Spinning Sideways, Pope Wizard of Global Warming, and artist formerly known as Al the Gore (ok, that’s just what I call him) proselytized before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. “I’m not proselytizing,” he said at one point. Oh, eh, sorry. Ok, continue, sir:

“Our home,” he paused, “Earth, is in danger.” Whew! That was a cliffhanger. For a minute I thought he was actually going to reveal his true planet.

“We must face up to this urgent and unprecedented threat to the existence of our civilization,” he said. “This is the most serious challenge the world has ever faced.” It, “could completely end human civilization, and it is rushing at us with such speed and force.” Climate change, “would bring a screeching halt to human civilization and threaten the fabric of life everywhere on the Earth – and this is within this century, if we don’t change.”

Oh my goodness! And, again, the definition of proselytizing was what now?

“What does your modeling tell you about how long we’re going to be around as a species?” asked Sen. James Risch (R-Idaho). “I don’t claim the expertise to answer a question like that, Senator,” laughed the Jedi master. ‘Silly Senator, skepticism’s for heretics.’

Let me get this straight: he knows (a) global warming is the most serious challenge the world has ever faced; (b) that it could end human civilization; (c) that it will all happen within this century unless we spend lots and lots of money on green jobs and re-shaping the entire landscape of the world’s transportation, commercial and industrial infrastructures. However, his expertise stops at specific issues, such as, ‘so? how long until we’re all annihilated?’

“The little snow in Washington,” Senator Kerry warned, “does nothing to diminish the reality of the crisis.” The little snow he was referring to was actually a blizzard, and, yes, it’s pretty well settled by scientists the world over that snow is always a sign that the planet shall soon be engulfed in flames.

Truly, even I can only have so many laughs at the kind of stuttering nonsense only to be found at a hearing in the United States Senate on Al Gore Day. To be sure, it is outright nonsense; but, alas, Al Gore finds himself at home, again. For years, a do-nothing Congress was coupled with a whipping-boy president who, hoping desperately to be invited to the cool kids table, embraced the ministry of Global Warming with a full-heart. I find it not at all astonishing that most of the Global Warming zombies I meet are of the opinion that Evil Bush the Younger personally outsourced the job of setting the polar bears on fire to Halliburton. This is despite the fact that, under George W. Bush, we spent more money to fight Global Warming than any other previous government; and despite the fact that Bush repeatedly called for climate awareness. (Actually, I just made up the term “climate awareness,” to express the kind of nonsense President Bush used to spew about Global Warming. You see, what you do, is you shove your head square up your ass – only then shall you begin to think like a radical lunatic, capable of conjuring up nonsensical Orwellian phrases like “Climate Awareness.”….. Moving on….).

Finally, with that pesky Bush out of the way, spending only insignificant tens of billions on Global Warming, Al the Gore has made his triumphant return to a capitol open for business. We may not be able to calculate the exact date the human species shall become extinct as a result of climate change, but one thing we can calculate is: 1 democratic president + 257 democratic congressmen + 56 democratic senators X 1 vice president turned cult leader = any multi-billion dollar Global Warming initiative you want Al.